


Like a Drifter (I was Born to Walk Alone)

by Geritashipper123



Category: Pacific Rim (Movies), Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: AU, Aliens, Alternate Universe - Pacific Rim Fusion, Angst, Chronic Illness, Chronic Pain, Developing Relationship, Established Relationship, Fluff, Grief/Mourning, Happy Ending, Multi, Old Married and Vaugely Grumpy McSpirk, Relationship Issues, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, War
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-12
Updated: 2018-02-23
Packaged: 2018-12-27 06:09:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 9,151
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12075102
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Geritashipper123/pseuds/Geritashipper123
Summary: “There’s a few issues with that idea.” Hikaru said, and Spock nodded. “Yes, I am aware.” He let Hikaru go. “That is why I will not force you. Walk away if you wish.”After a long moment, Hikaru started to do just that. “But,” Spock called, “Think about it. Do you want to die here? Or in a Jaeger?”





	1. I

**Author's Note:**

> I love pacific rim, okay? :) ENJOY!
> 
> Dedicated to Jar Jar Abrams you camera flashy turd

_ Kaiju- Japanese word meaning “Strange Beast” _

_ Jager- German word meaning “Monster” _

_ The Kaiju came. They posed the question of what humanity would do in the face of certain death and destruction.  _

_ The Jagers were humanity’s answer _

 

* * *

 

“Hikaru- Hikaru! ‘Karu get your ass  _ up!”  _

“Ben, be quiet. _ ” _

“Get  _ up  _ Hikaru!” 

“I swear to god I’m gonna  _ divorce your ass Benjamin Harriet Sulu-!” _

There was a squeal that echoed in the dark cabin as Hikaru’s husband ripped the blankets off of him. “Lights!” Ben shouted, and Hikaru whined before squeezing his eyes shut and picking up his head to chuck his pillow in his husbands general direction. Ben laughed, sound happy. “C’mon! We got one- his name’s  _ Krall.  _ Up up up!”

“I’m up dammit-” Hikaru grumbled, rubbing his eyes before finally climbing off the top bunk. Ben threw his pants at him, and Hikaru rolled his eyes as he got dressed. “You are  _ cruel  _ and I have no clue why I married you.” Hikaru grumbled, and Ben laughed again. 

He came over, rested his forearms on Hikaru’s shoulders. “You married me because I rock.” He told Hikaru, then kissed his nose.  Hikaru huffed, nuzzling into Ben’s neck. Ben kissed him once, then pulled away with a grin. “C’mon! Dress!”

Hikaru rolled his eyes, but pulled away to get dressed. They walked down the hall hand in hand, excitement building. 

There was a strange beast to fight.

Scotty was waiting for them, he helped them get into battle suits. 

“Where's Nyota?” Hikaru asked, and Scotty grinned. “Still asleep I think.” 

“You two get married yet?” Ben asked

Scotty rolled his eyes “when she proposes, you’ll be the first to know.”

“Isn’t the guy supposed to propose?” Hikaru teased

“I have proposed, she said yes.” Scotty replied cheekily “I'm waiting for her to propose a  _ date  _ you asshole.”

“I know.” Hikaru grinned. Scotty threw his helmet at his head. 

Their lovely girl was gleaming as they took the elevator to her head.  _ Demora  _ looked beautiful in the early morning light. Ben grinned and grabbed Hikaru’s hand. Hikaru smiled back at him, and the doors swished open. They walked up and took their positions.

_ “Morning boys. You tease my fiance again?”  _ Nyota chirped in their ears, and Hikaru grinned “Anything for you, Ny.”

_ “D’aww. Ben, how’d you get such a gentleman for a husband?” _

“Not a clue.” Ben said, grinning at Hikaru. 

_ “If you all are quite done.”  _ Came the commanding voice. Hikaru grinned. “G’morning commander Spock!” He and Ben chorused, and Spock’s sigh was audible.

_ “Good morning Mr. Sulu, Mr. Sulu. You have the name and location?” _

“Yessir!”

_ “Good. Prepare for mental handshake.” _

Hikaru closed his eyes as he felt the pull on the back of his brain

And then they touched.

 

* * *

 

_ Ben! Ben no! _

_ I’m so sorry Hikaru- _

_ NO-! _

Hikaru Sulu woke up cold, the same way he did every morning. Almost 5 years, and he still couldn’t remember the moment when Ben had…

He got out of bed, and the cold floor seeped through both pairs of woolen socks he was wearing. He quickly walked over to the drawers and threw on his layers, not letting himself dwell on his dreams. He put on fresh socks, along with as many layers as he could fit while still being able to put his arms down. He stuffed his feet in the insulated boots and made sure to grab his hat and gloves and scarf on the way out.

The wall was not far from his housing, and had time to trade in a ration card for morning gruel. He ate it as he walked into the Plant for work.

As he clocked in, he heard shouting. He looked over-

A Kaiju had destroyed a section of the pacific wall in Australia. Of course. And it had been apprehended by Delta Vega, the hottest new Jager, a star system class. Demora had been galaxy class…

Hikaru shook his head. It didn’t matter. None of it did anymore.

 

* * *

 

The video screens were just frustrating, especially when all the world leaders decided to talk at once.

“For the last time-”

“Its our only-”

“It’s dead-”

“We must-”

“Discontinue-”

_ I hate my job.  _

Spock sighed and rubbed his head, then brought his hands around his back again. “Sirs and madams, with all due respect, the wall is clearly a flawed idea-”

“You’re biased!” The british prime minister snapped angrily, and Spock ground his teeth. “Just because your hero days were in a cockpit-”

“Lionel-” The Russian president chastised. 

“It’s true!”

“Enough.” The chinese minister said firmly, silencing everyone. “Commander Spock of all people should not be questioned. He has served the jaeger program tirelessly as both a pilot and a commander, at great personal sacrifice.”

“So it’s agreed. We’ll fund the program for another three months, then we focus our resources on the wall.” The president said. 

“Apologies, commander.” The chinese minister said, her eyes sad. Spock closed his eyes and nodded. “Thank you for even considering, sirs and madams. Good day.”

The faces disappeared, and Spock pressed his head in his hands. A warm hand rested on his shoulder. “Spock?”

He glanced back at Nyota. Her eyes were crinkled at the corners, and she looked vaguely sad. “It’s okay, Spock… we’ll survive.”

“We have to move up the plan.” Spock said. “Send a message to Shatterdome and tell Scotty to prepare the chopper.”

“Plot a course to shatterdome?”

“No. we have a stop to make first.” 

Nyota cocked her head, and Spock rubbed his head before turning to walk out “plot a course for the Alaska Plant.”

He quickly went to the lift and stepped in before Nyota could ask. He sighed and pulled a pill out of his pocket. The pressure in his head was growing, and he quickly knocked it back before he could have a nosebleed. The doors opened, and he quickly walked into his quarters. He rubbed his temples again, and started to put the small amount of belongings he had- three extra uniforms, a picture of his mother, two of Jim’s books, A pocket watch from Leonard that he had forgotten today- into his duffle bag. He pulled his padd off it’s charging station and rolled up his charger with one hand while he turned on the PADD with his other. He paused when he caught a glimpse of his lock screen, like always. Jim was holding the camera, making a goofy face. He was sunburnt and lying on a beach. In the backround, Leonard was fighting with an umbrella. Spock was meditating next to Jim, sunscreen on his nose (put there by Leonard).

It was their honeymoon, on a beach in Spain, before beaches everywhere- even in the atlantic- were closed. Spock absentmindedly fingered his wedding ring. He set his PADD down, then grabbed his comm. Thumbing to his saved numbers, he quickly called their house. 

It was night in Hong Kong, and no one answered, but Spock smiled gently into the camera anyway. “Jim. Leonard. I am pleased to announce that once you wake up I will be en route back home. I will see you to tomorrow.” He sighed “But I have some bad news. We’re losing our funding…” He trailed off “If we want to win this war, we need to do it. Soon.”

He looked back at the camera. “I love you two very much. See you tomorrow.”

He hung up and rubbed his neck, sighing. 

He finished packing up and looked around his quarters. For almost a decade he had traveled between shatterdome and here, managing two bases at once. He sighed- command had truly not been his wish. Absentmindedly, he picked up his PADD again, and unlocked it. His lock screen was their honeymoon, but his homescreen was an older picture. He and Jim and Leonard, all grinning proudly. 

Next to them was their girls foot. It was one of the first days they’d been piloting her, their  _ Enterprise.  _ Back when everything was good.

Spock sighed, locking the PADD and sliding it into the pocket of his duffle. He walked out to the helipad. Scotty was in the pilot’s seat, Nyota sitting in the back Spock loaded up his duffel, climbing in and sitting across from her. “Let’s go Scotty.”

“Aye sir, to the Plant.” Scotty said, and as they flew away he looked down at the base they’d maintained for years. 

_ So long  _ he thought, rubbing his eyes again. 

It was time to find the ghost.

 

* * *

 

Spock didn’t keep very many secrets from Nyota. She was his trusted advisor, and managed every mission he ran. She was his best friend. 

But he had kept one secret;

He knew where Hikaru was.

After  _ Demora  _ had been destroyed and Ben killed, Spock had gone looking. He knew Hikaru’s habits, but it was actually Leonard who suggested that he would be at the wall. 

_ “Hikaru’s a soldier at his core, he’d go somewhere he thought he had even the slightest chance of doing good, just like you would.” _

So Spock had checked the Plant’s (badly kept) worker logs, and he’d found one Hikaru Sulu. He’d kept tabs, made sure that even though Hikaru denied every pension check from the government he was still eating. He wished he could do more for his friend…

But he couldn’t bring back the dead. 

The chopper landed outside the pant, and everyone stared. Spock stepped out, water and half melted snow soaking through the carefully polished leather of his shoes. He didn’t  _ have  _ any clothes he could get dirty anymore, since he was basically  _ always  _ on duty. Jim liked to joke and say that he should just sleep in uniform, save time when he has to leave in the middle of the night. Spock was unamused. 

Some of the men pulled off their hats, staring as he walked in. It was almost the required break time, which meant that even people at the top of the wall would be coming down. It was loud in the plant, and Spock raised his hand and pressed his fingers against the corners of his mouth and  _ whistled,  _ the way Chris had shown him a few months ago. Heads turned, and Spock scanned the crowd, looking for-

“Oh god.” A voice stuck out to Spock’s keen ear, and he turned to see Hikaru climbing down a structure. Hikaru, who had been looking over, quickly turned away and kept climbing down. Spock walked over to the base of the structure he was on, waiting patiently for him to come down. He did, and Hikaru barely looked at him before walking off.

“Mr. Sulu.” Spock said, following with a long stride. Hikaru grumbled an explicative, walking faster. Spock merely increased his pace, grabbing him by the wrist.  _ “Hikaru.” _

Hikaru wrenched his arm away and turned  _ “What?” _ He spat. “What could you possibly want from me that you haven’t already taken?”

“Unnecessary emotionalism will not scare me away.” Spock said, arching a brow. There was a  _ reason  _ he was well known amongst his superiors and officers as a robot, but Hikaru had served under him for a long time, and he knew that Spock wasn’t one. Hikaru threw his hands up and started to walk away again, and Spock sighed. “They’re shutting us down!”

“Good! All the jaeger program ever did was get people killed!” Hikaru called back.

“I know a boat of fishermen and several towns of people who would say otherwise” Spock said, and Hikaru paused. “I know Ben would say otherwise.” Spock said, softer now. Hikaru trembled a little, and Spock went over and rested a hand on his shoulder. “Hikaru, listen…”

“What do you want?” Hikaru asked again.

Spock sighed, then said “We have a stupid plan and one last chance. And I need a good pilot to help it succeed.” He gave the asian a sharp look “You piloted a jaeger alone, for 15 minutes and over 30 miles. Only one other pilot has ever beaten that record, and  _ he’s  _ out of service. We need you.”

“There’s a few issues with that idea.” Hikaru said, and Spock nodded. “Yes, I am aware.” He let Hikaru go. “That is why I will not force you. Walk away if you wish.”

After a long moment, Hikaru started to do just that. “But,” Spock called, “Think about it. Do you want to die here? Or in a Jaeger?”  

Hikaru froze, and Spock knew he had him. 

 

* * *

 

The four of them left Alaska in the distance, Hikaru staring out the window. 

He thought again about the day his life had changed, five years ago. About the moment Ben’s mind had been ripped from his. 

_ I love you, I’m so sorry Hikaru. _

“I’m sorry too.” He whispered. For what, he wasn’t sure yet. 


	2. II

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So by the way the title of this fic is taken from the song "Here I go Again" by whitesnake. 
> 
> I love classic rock, sue me.
> 
> I have like one comment so dedicated to that single commenter!

The trip to the shatterdome was long. 

Hikaru had heard of the base, the center of the Jaeger program. The shatterdome was infamous, although he had never been there. It was located in Hong Kong, Ben had been there once. 

The trip was long, but Hikaru wouldn’t have minded it so much if it wasn’t spent with Nyota and Scotty shouting at him over the chopper. Hikaru must have apologized three hundred times for not telling them he was alive. It lifted his spirits a little, being with his friends. Spock, for his part, just sat quietly, doing something on his PADD. It was honestly the most time Hikaru had spent in close proximity to the commander. They had been sort of friends for years, but Commander (Computer, as some other pilots called him) Spock Grayson wasn’t exactly well known for being social. 

The chopper landed a few klicks away from the base, and someone was waiting on the helipad, holding an umbrella. Spock got out first, greeting the man in what sounded like Russian. Hikaru followed, blinking. The man- little more than a boy- was young, with curly hair and creamy skin. As Hikaru approached, he was sure they spoke in russian. The two paused in their conversation, and the boy turned, blatantly staring at Hikaru. Hikaru stared back, and the boy turned to Spock.  _ “Он не такой, какой я ожидал.”  _ He muttered in Russian, and Spock inclined his head.

_ “Привет,”  _ Hikaru said, and the boy looked at him in surprise.  _ “Лучше или хуже ожиданий?”  _ He asked, and the boy grinned.

“I haven’t decided yet.” He said, holding out a hand. “Chekov, Pavel Andreievich.”

Hikaru shook it. “Sulu. Hikaru Sulu.” 

If there was a shock of electricity when they shook hands, Hikaru would blame their gloves.

 

* * *

 

Scotty drove them to the base, Nyota with her husband in the passenger seat. 

It was good to see Hikaru again,  _ really  _ good to see him again. She’d spent weeks crying herself to sleep after Ben’s death and Hikaru’s supposed death. They were such a sweet couple, and her best friends. Even Spock had gotten choked up when the life signals had disappeared from her screen. She knew better than most that Spock was  _ not _ a computer, considering how long he and her had been friends. She was a flower girl at the man’s wedding for god’s sake. 

And Hikaru was alive.

He was  _ alive.  _

And Spock hadn’t told her, she had to punch him for that still. And then Jim and Leonard, because if he knew then  _ they  _ knew. And-

She abruptly turns to Scotty “You didn’t  _ know  _ right?”

Scotty blinks and glances at her. “Know what?”

“About him.” She juts an accusatory finger in Hikaru’s general direction. 

Scotty frowns. “‘Course not. I’d’ve told you if I’d known.” 

“Did you?” She shoots a glare at Pavel, who squeaks and looks like he wants to hide behind Spock. She’s known Pavel as long as Spock has, ever since Spock took the boy in and under his wing. 

“Pavel.” She grinds out, and he holds up his PADD in defense. “I’m sorry! He said not to tell you!”

“Spock.” She growls, craning her neck to glare at her friend. Spock arches an eyebrow at her. “You would have gone looking for him.”

“Damn right I would have! No one should have to go through something like that alone-”

“Whereas some people prefer to go through it alone.” Spock interrupted. “I was  _ in  _ your psychology class Nyota, you learned the same things as me. I believed that he deserved privacy if he wished it.”

“And I did.” Hikaru confirmed. “I appreciate it Ny, but I’m  _ fine.  _ I wouldn’t have wanted to talk even if you’d contacted me.” 

The truck fell into a silence that was quasi-awkward, and Nyota sighed and slumped in her seat. Scotty reached over and squeezed her knee, and Nyota took his hand. She played with the long, calloused fingers for a moment before she let him go and sighed, rubbing her neck.

“Tired?” Her husband asked quietly, and Nyota nodded weakly. “I just want to sleep for thirty years, but I’ve been that way since the war began.”

“You and me both.” Hikaru muttered darkly, and that was the end of conversation for the rest of the hour they spent in traffic.

 

* * *

 

They pulled up to the base’s main entrance and all climbed out. Nyota and Scotty stayed in the truck, saying that they’d park and go home to change before they did anything else. Spock sighed, rubbing his neck. Hikaru was blatantly  _ gaping  _ at the shatterdome, and Pavel giggled. 

Spock sighed, shaking his head. “Come along.” 

They entered the elevator at the front, and just as the doors were about to close, Spock heard someone shout  _ Hey, hold that door!  _ Spock felt his heart lift, and a smile crept across his lips. He stalled the doors and stepped out.

Jim was a few meters away, arms full of PADDs in an unorganized mess. The moment he saw Spock, his mouth dropped open and his eyes widened. The blues sparkled as he shouted “Spock!” 

Leonard, a few feet behind, gaped as Jim shoved his PADDs at him. Leonard, balancing another (neatly organized) stack and his cane, shouted a curse as Jim ran off, towards Spock.

Spock grunted and was forced back a few steps as the weight of one full grown adult male tackled him, wrapping his arms around his neck. “Sweetheart! When did you get in?”

Spock got his balance, and his arms came up to hug Jim back. “Not long, an hour or so. I missed you.”

“We missed you too!” Jim laughed, kissing along Spock’s jaw and behind his ear. 

“Oi! Jim you’re young and able bodied, get your ass back here and help your disabled husband!” Leonard snapped, and Jim huffed before letting Spock go and taking his PADDs back. Pavel quickly took Leonard’s other PADDs, and Leonard huffed. 

“Thanks brat-” He looked at Spock “My turn now?”

Spock hugged him gentler than Jim, noting that Leonard had lost weight since his last visit. Leonard sighed and hugged him back, relaxing as Spock dropped a kiss onto his forehead. “Mm. Hey darlin’...”

“Have you two been eating and sleeping?” Spock asked, stepping back and arching a brow at his sheepish husbands. 

“They haven’t!” Pavel said, handing Leonard back his PADDs and ignoring the doctor’s steely glare and Jim hissing that Pavel was a little snitch. Spock sighed and started the elevator. “Hikaru, this is Leonard McCoy and James Kirk, our human and kaiju biology specialists, respectively.” 

Hikaru was staring at him. “And you three are, um, close?”

Leonard snorted, and Jim broke down laughing. Spock rolled his eyes at them, then looked at Hikaru and said “They are also my husbands.” 

Hikaru’s eyes bugged, and Jim laughed harder. 

“Husband? Husband _ s?!”  _ He said, accenting the S. “You’re married?!”

“Yes.” Spock said, raising a brow. “This is a surprise to you.”

“Um, yeah!” Hikaru said, disbelieving. “You're not exactly known for emotional things, with all due respect, Commander, sir.” 

“I am aware.” Spock said, looking back at the floor numbers.

“It’s bullshit.” Jim stage whispered, and Leonard nodded in agreement. Then Jim turned to Spock and said “Anyway, Commander, I do have business related things-”

“Oh god, not  _ this  _ again.” Leonard groaned, and Jim shot him a glare pulling out the proper PADD and dropping three others that Spock caught before they hit the floor. Jim flushed and smiled “Thank you- anyway, I need your approval for-”

“For his idiotic plan to make himself the hero which entails-”

“Oh shut up bones-”

_ “Don’t  _ call me bones-”

“Doctor Kirk! Doctor McCoy!” Spock interrupted before they could get into it. He took the PADD from Jim and looked between the two. “What do you need approval for?” 

“I need a kaiju brain.” Jim said plainly, and Leonard rolled his eyes. “He wants to  _ drift  _ with one.” 

“Absolutely not.” Spock said, arching a brow at Jim, who clenched his jaw. “Sir, with all due respect, I believe I could gain valuable information-”

“You may have the section of a kaiju brain that we have at your disposal for  _ dissection  _ and research.” Spock said firmly. “You will absolutely  _ not  _ be drifting with a kaiju brain.”

Jim glared at him, and Spock sighed, knowing that the conversation wasn’t over. They arrived at Jim and Leonard’s floor, and the doors opened. “I expect your reports on what you’ve discovered about the breach while I’ve been away in three hours. Dismissed gentlemen.”

“Yes sir.” Jim muttered glumly, walking out. Leonard saluted and followed. The elevator started again, and Spock sighed.

“So… How long have you been married?” Hikaru asked, and Spock glanced at him. 

“Eighteen years.” He answered, walking out of the elevator once it opened. 

“Eighte- Wait a second, I’ve only known you for Seven! You’ve been married this whole time?! Commander!”

Pavel’s laughter followed them out of the elevator. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pavel and Hikaru's conversation:  
> "He wasn't what I expected"  
> "Hey," ... "Better or worse?"


	3. III

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! Sorry this took a while, life happened. Don't worry, you'll get your conclusion guys, promise ;)
> 
> Dedicated tooooo IDRIS ELBA

“- and this is the hangar.” Pavel finished with a flourish. He smiled over his shoulder at Hikaru, who was staring in awe at all the jaegers. All the ones whose pilots had died or been removed from active duty were still here. As they walked, Spock lagged behind when they passed the deep grey-silver feet of  _ Enterprise,  _ still standing silently in the hangar like an omen. 

Pavel couldn’t blame him. He’d never piloted a jaeger, but when Spock and Jim and Bones had taken him in they were still piloting her,  _ Enterprise.  _ He’d been in her cockpit as a passenger, and he'd seen the way the trio had piloted her. 

He had always wondered what it was like, to share a mind and pilot a jaeger with someone.

“Sir?” Hikaru asked, breaking both Spock and Pavel out of their thoughts. Spock cleared his throat and walked forward. “Apologies, Mr. Sulu. This jaeger is  _ Enterprise.  _ She served… well. For a rather long time.”

_ Served well.  _ Talk about understatement. 186 Kaiju taken down, thousands if not  _ millions  _ of lives saved.  _ Enterprise  _ had been one of their most famous Jaegers. Spock Jim and Bones were a legendary team. Pavel still could remember clearly the first time he saw her, rising from the dust and debris, sun gleaming off her hull. 

“Am I supposed to be going up in her, sir?” Hikaru asked, and Spock shook his head a little too quickly. “Negative. She and her pilots are retired.” He swallowed a little and forced himself to look away. “Come, your jaeger is down here, Scotty has been preparing her for you.”

They moved down a little more, and Hikaru froze.

Pavel had to grin at the shocked and overjoyed look on the man’s face. 

_ “Demora”  _ Hikaru breathed like the name was a prayer, staring and the deep black metal and golden accents and core. “You… you saved her.”

“Letting her die would have been a waste of materials.” Spock said. “Besides, the bond between jaeger and pilot is sacred. And even if you couldn’t come back,  _ Demora _ had one of the best track records of any galaxy class jaegers. It would be a crime not to memorialize her.” 

Hikaru bowed his head, cheeks flushed. Pavel watched him, smiling a little as the older man stuttered out a thank you. 

Spock nodded once. “Pavel will escort you to your room. Feel free to go eat or sleep, we will find you a co-pilot tomorrow.”

And no, Pavel didn’t miss the way Hikaru’s eyes darkened considerably at the mention of a co-pilot

 

* * *

 

Spock, Jim, and Leonard’s “house” was really just one of the biggest quarters at the shatterdome.

Hey, power had its benefits. Spock was a senior commander, promoted after his “heroic career” as a pilot. Never mind that he didn’t want it, that Jim deserved it more  _ and  _ was better suited for it. 

Never mind that the reason he’d been promoted had cost Leonard his leg. 

He made his way up to their home, nodding at young engineers who stopped and saluted him as he walked. He got there finally, and barely had time to set his bag down before he flopped on the bed, not caring if his uniform wrinkled. He groaned, burying his face in the mattress. He needed to retire to a nice beach somewhere, ASAP. Life was too much of a hassle. 

A warm hand rested on his back, and Spock sighed. “Jim.”

“You look like  _ crap  _ baby.” Jim said, shaking his head. Warm lips gently kissed the back of his neck- Jim was always  _ warm.  _ Like Spock and Leonard’s own personal sun. Sock sighed gently as Jim rubbed his back and neck.

“Where is Leonard?” He muttered sleepily.

“Getting us dinner. We both agreed that you’re not allowed to leave the room tonight.”

“You  _ agreed?  _ Is the world ending?”

“Yes, and shut up and enjoy the massage.”

Spock picked up his head to look back at Jim. Jim sighed and kissed his forehead. “We always agree on you. Anything else is fair game for disagreement.”

“A fact that remains strange to me. You two used to-”

“Stuff has  _ changed. _ ” Jim interrupted, pulling back and running a hand through his hair. “Look, please drop it, okay?”

Spock sighed, nodding and getting up. “I will go change and shower now.” He said, going to the closet to fetch a clean pair of sleep pants and then going into the bathroom. He glanced at himself in the mirror.

He had bags under his eyes, he looked haggard and sick, which he supposed he was. His eyes were always bloodshot, as was usual in the late stages of kaiju poisoning. He rubbed his temples, feeling another headache building. He heard muffled voices through the door, and he groaned.

He really didn’t have the energy to deal with his husbands having a showdown right now. 

_ Stuff has changed.  _ Yeah, Spock ruined his own fucking marriage, end of story. He sighed and undressed, turning on the sonics before the screaming started.

 

* * *

 

 

Hikaru sighed, looking around his quarters. Well, at least it was warmer here versus in alaska. But this was more  _ lonely. _

He kept staring at the standard bunk bed. He and Ben had always made cracks about the bunk bed and the fact that they didn’t need one, and joked about which bunk they should cram into that night.

Hikaru swallowed thickly. There was a recognizable lump in his throat that had been building since he’d seen Spock walking into the plant yesterday. The same bitter lump he always got when he thought about Ben, thought about their lives together. In the midst of war, in the center of hell, they’d had  _ one another  _ and that’s… it  _ had been _ enough for them.

He groaned and flopped back on the bed. He felt too weird to sleep, and he had a headache.  _ You’re probably dehydrated dummy. _

_ Shut up Ben. _

Sighing, Hikaru got up and went to go and eat. The mess was huge, and full of people who all stared at him.

Fuck, had he become a legend while he was away?

“Hikaru!” Nyota called, waving. Hikaru nodded and went over to the table where she and Scotty were sitting.  He sat down, Scotty grinning at him.

“Did’ya like y’r su’prise?” Scotty asked, beaming. Hikaru gave him his most sincere smile. “Scotty,  _ thank you.  _ I literally can’t express how grateful I am.”

“Pssh. Thank Spock, it was his idea.” Nyota snorted, picking at her food. Her other hand was clasped in Scotty’s, and Hikaru smiled.

“You two got hitched?”

“Yeah.” Nyota smiled sadly. “We saved you and Ben seats at the reception and everything.”

Hikaru winced in spite of himself and looked down. “Sorry. I would’ve come.”

“We know.” Scotty said, smiling gently. “‘S okay. You needed the time.”

Hikaru sighed and glanced down at his food. He should probably eat it, but he just didn’t feel like eating. He never did anymore.

Nyota reached over and took his hand in her free one. “Oh Hikaru… it’s oka-”

“Hey Ny!” A new voice shouted, and Nyota’s gentle smile dropped into a scowl. Scotty glared murderously at his food. Hikaru looked up to see a man standing over them, a wolfish grin on his face and a creepy look in his stormy blue eyes.

“What, so when I ask you out you don’t  _ put  _ out, but when this oldtimer asks you’re more than willing? Cheating bitch.”

“Shut  _ up  _ Mitchell.” Nyota snapped, and Hikaru blinked.

“Mitchell?” He asked “As in Gary? You copilot Delta Vega with Chris Pike.”

“The one and only.” Gary boasted. “And you’re Hikaru Sulu. Rumor has it only one other pilot has ever done what you did, piloting a Jaeger on your own.”

Hikaru swallowed, not wanting to remember that day. Nyota glared at him. “Mitchell, seriously,  _ shut the hell up.  _ You have no clue what you’re talking about.”

“Aw, is the old timer gonna  _ cry?” _ Gary grinned wickedly. “What, you think you're something special? Your Jaeger was shit, and her pilots were  _ worthless.” _

Hikaru abruptly stood up at the word pilots. His fist clenched and for a moment he thought for sure he’d punch the man, but instead he just walked out. He heard Nyota and Scotty shouting for him, and Gary Mitchell's cruel laughter at his back.

_ Her pilots were worthless.  _ He kept going over that as he ran back to his room and crashed onto the bed, trying to hide before the tears started.  _ Her pilots were worthless. _

No. No only one was. The other was a damned prince.


	4. IV

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THIS STILL ISN'T GTTS SHHHHHHHH I K N O W
> 
> I had to get it out of my drive, kay? My life is such a fucking mess, OKAY??????? 
> 
> Gaaaaaaaaaaaah dedicated to My beta sarah for saying "Pacific Rim is Transformers for Gay People" (and, you know, beta-ing)

Jim was self-aware enough to admit that he was stir-crazy. 

He couldn’t help it. His father had died in the original Kaiju attack on San Francisco, on the day of Jim’s birth. He’d been there for business, while Winona and Sam and baby Jim were safe and sound in Riverside. He’d spent his whole life determined to be a pilot and to fight Kaiju. He was  _ fascinated  _ by them- their size, how they worked, everything- and he had wanted nothing more than to rip them apart, just to look at them, even when he was small.

And then he’d joined the Jaeger Program, and he’d been paired up with Bones and then they’d both been paired with Spock because they were too wild on their own and they needed a counterweight.  _ Enterprise,  _ their beautiful silver lady, had been made especially for them, once the head honchos had realized how successful they were in simulations. From the moment they’d stepped in her, they were  _ three.  _ A triad of pilots and a triumvirate of power.

And their lives had been great. Hectic, but  _ great.  _ They’d been  _ unstoppable. _ Spock had smiled more, and Bones had laughed, more and life had been golden, saccharine…

And then Khan happened.

Jim could remember the Kaiju who had ended their fifteen-year career very clearly. He could remember what Khan looked like, he knew all his stats. He could remember everything, up until the moment that it had gotten its teeth around Bones’ leg and Leonard had blacked out, and then it had ripped into  _ the Enterprise’s _ chest and…

Jim still couldn’t remember the pain of the fight. Most things said and done while drifting usually passed in a hazy, difficult to remember blur. It was a side effect of the process. Jim barely remembered the pain.

What he remembered, very acutely, was Spock crying for him to help Leonard out of the control sets, dragging his body across the floor, a trail of blood left behind. And he remembered the moment when Spock softly whispered his name, he remembered the moment when he saw Spock’s nose bleeding and knew, in an instant, that his husband,  _ their  _ husband, would die long before they did.

And from then on, his life had been painful and sad and  _ dull.  _ He worked in a lab, studying Kaiju to figure out how to beat them, and he enjoyed his work… but it was boring, so boring in comparison to the front lines and the feeling of raw power that came from fighting in a Jaeger with what were essentially his bare (giant robot) hands. 

So yes, he was a bit stir-crazy. And probably an idiot. And honestly, he was more than a little nuts. 

“This is a good idea,” he kept repeating to himself as, with shaking hands, he set up the machine with the bit of Kaiju brain he had stolen from the vault. His fingers flew across the controls as if they had a mind of their own.

He’d stolen a bit of Spock’s hair the night before, and from there it was easy to extract the DNA code and hack vault’s lock. He was doing the right thing, he was sure of it. Spock would forgive him later, once the information he gained had helped them win the war. Bones… Well, he wasn’t as sure about that.

It was still painful to admit, but he just didn’t care about what Bones thought of him anymore.

Swallowing back his fear and stealing his nerves, Jim hit the record button.

“Science log, Kaiju specialist James T. Kirk. As stated earlier, I have the Kaiju brain here and I am preparing for the drifting process. If I die, let it be known that all my actions have been taken in my right mind and that I accept full responsibility for any and all consequences of my decisions.  If I die… My will can be found in my quarters, which I share with my husbands, High Commander Spock Grayson, and Dr. Leonard McCoy…” 

Jim faltered, staring down at the machine. He paused, taking a deep breath. “If I die, Spock, I love you. Bones I love you too but ha- I win… somehow.” 

He swallowed. “Alright… end log.”

He shook his head, biting down on his lip and inhaling once, put on the headset, and muttering “okay.” And then, he hit the glowing red button.

A millisecond and he was gone.

 

* * *

 

Hikaru grumbled as he flipped yet  _ another  _ candidate over his shoulder. Jesus, what had  _ happened  _ to the Jaeger program? Sparring used to be  _ difficult,  _ he used to have to  _ work.  _ This was child's play.

He sighed, straightening up and glancing at Spock and Pavel, who were both immersed, watching the fights. Pavel looked displeased, and Hikaru felt a surge of anger in his chest.

“Next!” Commander Spock ordered, and Hikaru rolled his eyes. He went to turn away when he saw Pavel shake his head minutely. Hikaru’s teeth clenched, and he turned back.

“Why do you keep doing that?”

“Doing what?” Pavel said, glancing up from his PADD.

“You keep shaking your head. Like you're disappointed. I thought you handpicked these people, princess.” 

Pavel glared at him. “Do  _ not  _ call me princess. And you aren’t even  _ trying.” _

“Excuse you?”

“You could have taken out your last opponent six moves quicker. You hesitate, and you second guess yourself.”

He shook his head. “It is like you are afraid.”

“I am not  _ afraid,”  _ Hikaru seethed. “And if you think  _ you  _ know so much, then get in the ring yourself,  _ princess.”  _

Pavel’s eyes widened slightly, and he looked nervously at Spock. The commander raised a hand as if to tell Pavel to stop getting excited.

“Pavel is not one of the candidates,” Spock said flatly

“Why not?” Hikaru asked.

“The answer is  _ no,  _ Mr. Sulu.”

“That’s not an answer to my question,” Hikaru grinned, leaning back in his chair. “What, you don’t think your prodigy can take me?”

Spock’s eyebrow twitched like he was debating punching Hikaru in the face himself. He turned to Pavel and said in a bored monotone, “You will beat him. In twenty moves or less.”

Pavel grinned, nodding once and crouching to take off his boots. He handed Spock the PADD he was holding and stepped forward. Hikaru held out a bo staff, and Pavel took it. The pair started circling each other, and Hikaru looked his opponent up and down. “Now remember, the key… is the  _ stance.” _

Pavel scoffed, sinking back into an attack position. “I  _ know  _ that. I’ve been doing this for years.”

Hikaru swung, dodging Pavel’s defensive strike, stopping his staff just short of his opponent’s cheek. 

“Point,” he declared, smirking. Pavel rolled his eyes and stepped back, swinging his staff around. Hikaru managed to avoid the hit and dove in for an attack, but Pavel took advantage of his opening and struck just before Hikaru could get the blow in. 

“One-one,” Pavel said, devilish gaze out of place from his innocent expression. Hikaru grumbled a little and stepped back, taking another stance before circling slowly. Pavel’s eyes were bright, a stormy blue-grey. 

Hikaru attacked again, and Pavel quickly threw up his defense. The fight was like a dance. Pavel just wouldn’t stay  _ still,  _ always moving. Hikaru was barely able to keep up.

Soon, they were landing blows one after the other. Just as Hikaru grunted “Two-one,” Pavel landed another strike and declared “Two-two. 

And then, suddenly, Pavel’s staff was behind Hikaru’s knee, at just the right angle to sweep his legs out from under him. In a blur, Hikaru hit the ground, and by the time he opened his eyes Pavel’s knee was on his sternum, his staff pointed at Hikaru’s nose.

“Three,” Pavel panted. “I win.”

“You do,” Hikaru grudgingly agreed. Pavel got up, offering him a hand. Hikaru took it and stood, turning to Spock. He stared the commander dead in the eye and said, “Him.”

Spock blinked. “Excuse me?”

“Him. He’s the one, he’s my drift partner,” Hikaru said. “Didn’t you see that? We’re compatible, we have to be.”

“Mr. Chekov is  _ not  _ a participant in this exercise,” Spock said firmly. “Next!”

“No!” Hikaru snapped. “ _You_ dragged me back here, and _you_ are putting me back in the cockpit. I deserve to pick who’s there with me!”

Spock’s lips pursed. “Mr. Sulu, just because you lost your husband-”

“Don’t you  _ dare  _ talk about him,” Hikaru growled, voice low. “My husband is off limits! But even Ben would agree-  _ Pavel and I are drift compatible.” _

For a moment, Spock looked so tired, and so weary. Hikaru blinked, suddenly noting how… frail Spock had become in 5 years and-

“Mr. Sulu, let this go,” Spock said harshly. “This isn’t-”

“High Commander!” 

Dr. McCoy ran into the room, face pained, eyes wide. He clutched his cane, his knuckles white,  and Spock looked up at him and was instantly concerned. 

“Doctor-”

“Jim- Dr. Kirk, sir, he’s-” Dr. McCoy grimaced, suddenly furious. “He’s done something  _ absolutely idiotic and-” _

_ “Leonard,”  _ Spock said insistently, rising out of his chair. Doctor McCoy took a deep breath.

“Dr. Kirk drifted with a Kaiju brain, sir,” Doctor McCoy said imploringly. 

Spock’s eyes widened, and he dropped the PADD he was holding. He glanced back at Hikaru and seemed to make an instantaneous decision. 

“This conversation is  _ not  _ over, Mr. Sulu,” he growled.

And then he practically  _ ran  _ out of the room, Dr. McCoy on his heels.


	5. V

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ALRIGHT ALRIGHT ALRIGHT!!! WOOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
> 
> Hi folks, im back (back again)
> 
> I am in the middle of essay season, but I was struck with inspiration for this chapter today (it made me cry) so I hope you enjoy! This is unbeta-ed bc my beta was too busy being (an awesome fucking amazing) human to beta. It's okay, I love her anyway. 
> 
> This chapter really dives into the issues with Jim, leonard and Spock- OH! and theres a surprise at the end of the chapter ;}
> 
> this is NOT liss's birthday present, but it was her boirthday this week! So this one is dedicated to you liss!!!!

Leonard looked like he was going to be sick. 

Spock hated,  _ hated  _ that expression on Leonard’s face. Leonard, out of the three of them, had the best professionalism. His past as a doctor made him able to put up a blank face that even Spock couldn’t beat, and then turn it right off again after the crisis was averted. But Jim was always the thing that made their masks slip and Leonard…

Leonard looked somewhere between angry and nauseated, which just indicated to Spock that this was  _ bad.  _

“I found him in the lab, nosebleed,  _ eye  _ bleed, and oh god,  _ Spock  _ I-” 

Spock swallowed thickly when he heard that and shuddered, trying to shake off the shudder that ran down his spine. 

It was bad enough that he was going to die. For as much as they griped Leonard would need Jim after Spock was gone. If Jim was to die too-

He shook himself again. It would not happen. 

“-god  _ what a fucking idiot  _ and I just- I  _ can’t-” _

“Leonard,” Spock said, resting a hand on his shoulder and pulling him in tight. Leonard instantly brought his arms up to wrap around Spock tightly, shaking slightly. He whispered, “I love you.”

“I love you as well,” Spock said softly, resting his chin on Leonard’s head. “Jim will be fine.”

“He’s an  _ idiot.”  _ Leonard hissed, but his voice was filled with terror, not anger. Spock sighed, nodding. 

Really, put together the three of them had  _ seven PhDs.  _ Jim should know better than drifting  _ with a kaiju. _

The lift opened, and Leonard bustled out as best he could, hand clenched around his cane. His leg tended to hurt more when he was upset, and Spock honestly considered just picking him up. It would be faster and time was of the essence. 

“That dumbass better not have moved. I ordered him not to.” Leonard said, in a tone that promised great pain if Jim hadn’t listened to him. Hopefully, Jim’s respect for Leonard as a doctor would outweigh his…  _ need  _ to contradict Leonard in some unforeseen competition. 

Jim and Leonard used to love each other so much. They’d been dating before Spock had entered the picture, and then…

Well, they had been cocky, just like Hikaru and Ben. Khan had taken down their jaeger. 

Leonard’s leg had gone, and then Khan knocked out Jim. And Spock had piloted  _ Enterprise  _ back to base by himself. 

_ The world record for longest solo Jaeger piloting is 48 minutes crossing 144 miles. The record belongs to a pilot whose name was redacted by the international jaeger program to protect their identity.  _

Spock reached up to touch his nose- when he inhaled it was wet, a precursor to a nosebleed. 48 minutes flying solo in a jaeger and all he had to show for it was radiation poisoning. 

And now Jim might’ve gone and given himself the same fate. 

If he wasn’t already dead- Spock might just kill him.

 

* * *

 

After Spock left, people dispersed like there was clearly nothing to see. Had Hikaru been an egotistical man, he probably would have felt miffed. But Hikaru didn’t particularly care about the others- he quickly turned to Pavel-

Just in time to see Pavel scurrying back for his boots. 

Hikaru frowned, and then followed him over. Pavel was bent at the waist, shoving his feet in his boots like the room was on fire. And no, Hikaru didn’t sneak a gaze at Pavel’s ass. 

He didn’t.

_ You did.  _ Shut up, Ben. 

“Uh, Pavel?” Hikaru asked. 

“Like the commander said, you’ll receive your drift partner tomorrow.” Pavel said, still wiggling his ass in the air. “Do you need something, Mr. Sulu?”

“Uh, yeah,” Hikaru said,  _ “you.” _

Pavel straightened abruptly, blushing madly. Hikaru turned red. “Wait wait wait- I didn’t- that didn’t come out right-”

(In his ear, a voice that sounds distinctly like Ben is laughing.)

“I understand,” Pavel said firmly, pushing back his shoulders like a good little soldier about to march out of the room. Raised by Spock, clearly. Pavel huffed through his nose and said “good day, Mr. Sulu.”

Aw, cute. Pavel thought Hikaru gave up on his goals easily. 

Hikaru trailed after him. “Pavel- Pavel hey, hey, C'mon, wait-”

“Leave me alone,” Pavel said over his shoulder, and Hikaru frowned, walking faster to keep pace. “What’s wrong? Come  _ on  _ you felt that too! And I  _ know  _ you have good simulator times, Ny bragged about you over dinner-"

“I said enough!” Pavel said, rounding on him. His eyes were… sad. Very, very sad.

_ What’s wrong?  _ Hikaru wanted to ask.  _ Why do you look so upset? _

What came out was; “Why do you always do everything Spock says? He’s not your father, right?”

“No,” Pavel said, looking down. “No, he isn’t. But I listen to him. I owe him-”

“So you’re coerced into staying here?” Hikaru asked, and Pavel full on glared at him, turning on his heel and marching away. Hikaru groaned “Pavel! Wait up! Pav-”

“Leave me alone!” Pavel whirled around. “I can’t get in a jaeger, okay? I don’t have approval and we can’t-”

“We are  _ compatible.”  _ Hikaru said, grabbing Pavel’s wrist. Pavel went very still, and very quiet. Hikaru gently let him go after he was sure the Russian wouldn’t run away, and shoved his hands in his pockets. “Look, I-”

“Oi!” There was a whistle, and both Pavel and Hikaru turned, to find Gary Mitchell sauntering over to them, all confidence and smirk. He looked at Hikaru with very little in his eyes besides pure  _ malice.  _ “No making out in the halls, okay? Some of us have actual work to do old timer.”

“We weren’t making out,” Pavel said snappishly, but Gary ignored him. “You know Hiki-”

“Don’t-” Hikaru bit out, his mind immediately going to a lifetime ago, curled in bed, with Ben laughing and Hikaru tickling him and  _ I said uncle you bastard- Hiki, stop!  _ “-Call me Hiki.” 

“You know,  _ Hiki,”  _ Mitchell repeated, and Hikaru felt his hands curl into fists. “You really are quite the whore. Yesterday you flirt with Ny-ny, today the commander’s pet- what’s next? You gonna make out with the doctors?”

“Let’s go, Hikaru,” Pavel said, gritting his teeth. “We can talk somewhere else.” 

But Hikaru couldn’t move. Pavel tugged on his arm, and Mitchell smirked. “Desperate, isn’t he? You that good in bed? Maybe I should try you out for size…”

“I’d rather get kissed by a kaiju.” Hikaru gritted his teeth, then finally turned. He heard Mitchell’s jaw snap shut, teeth clacking together. He allowed himself a savage little grin- he’d pissed him off. Good.

“Hey, old-timer!” Mitchell called after him. “Is your husband this much of a man-whore too?”

Hikaru froze again. He was furious, and he heard Pavel telling him it wasn’t worth it, but god, it was like pavel was at the end of a tunnel. Hikaru was seeing red-

“If he was here, ha!” Gary said, “man, I’d get a fun time outta him-”

And then Hikaru whirled around with a roar, his fist slamming into Gary Mitchell’s nose. 

Mitchell could insult and belittle him all he wanted, grief had ensured that Hikaru had no ego left to bruise. But Ben- Ben had been good, Ben had been worthy. Ben had deserved to live, Ben could have moved on. 

And this man- this self-righteous  _ dickhead  _ who considered himself to be on the same level as  _ Ben  _ just because he’d taken down a few kaiju- was insulting Ben’s memory. 

So he kicked and scratched and punched, and even when Mitchell wrapped his hands around Hikaru’s throat, even when Captain Pike came to pull them apart, Hikaru didn’t care. 

_ Aw, Hiki, it’s okay. I don’t care what he says. C’mon, you neanderthal- _

_ ‘Shut up, Ben. Let me defend your honor.’  _ Hikaru thought frantically as he was pulled away from the fight.   
  


 

* * *

 

For  _ once  _ Jim had listened to him.

He was sitting right where Leonard had left him, lazily rolling two bloodshot eyeballs around in his skull and clutching a tissue against his nose. 

At least the bleeding had stopped. 

“Jim.” Spock breathed, and quickly went over. Leonard grunted and lumbered after, trying not to aggravate his leg. Running up to the training room had pulled something- he could feel it throbbing, heading towards a cramp. Spock had probably noticed. 

Probably. That little part of his brain that reminded him that he’d ruined Jim and Spock’s entire lives kept reminding him that Jim and Spock had always had better chemistry than him and Spock. Definitely more than him and Jim, considering the fact that he and Jim had…

Not the point. Or the time. 

  
Spock was gently touching Jim’s shoulder, trying to rouse him from his daze. Leonard quickly started to prepare an adrenaline shot- Jim had been arrhythmic earlier and, god,  _ that  _ was terrifying in and of itself. 

He quickly went over- well, as quick as he could manage- and pressed the hypo into Jim’s shoulder. Jim groaned weakly, blinking his eyes. 

“Come on, Captain.” Spock prompted. “Wake up.”

“Don’t call me that,” Jim grumbled, and Leonard sighed loudly in relief, feeling his body relax… only to tense up again as the  _ anger  _ pulsed through him.

“What in the seven  _ hells-”  _ Leonard spat “-were you  _ thinking?!”  _

His voice was thick with fury and vitriol. Jim rolled his head back to look up at him, squinting angrily against the bright lights. 

“I was thinking,” Jim said quietly, coldly,  _ angrily,  _ “that this research could turn the tide of the war.”

“Guys,” Spock said, quietly, and they both missed the way he was staring at the floor.

“I was  _ thinking,”  _ Jim spat “that I would be  _ brave.  _ That I would get valuable info. That I would  _ take a risk  _ and-”

“Jim.” Spock pressed, and Jim looked down at him, but Leonard growled and stepped forward. “Don’t you talk to me about risks! I am your  _ doctor,  _ and you  _ know  _ that solo drifting can kill you!”

“It’s always about the job with you isn’t it?!” Jim snapped whipping his head around. “Never mind that we’re you’re husbands, you can’t even treat us like humans! Isn’t that right Spock?”

_ “Stop,”  _ Spock said tightly, but Leonard couldn’t hear it over the clacking of his jaw as he gritted his teeth.

“You wanna go there,  _ Kirk?  _ You didn’t give us any regard! Hell, you're more interested in your fucking  _ kaiju!” _

“At least I was willing to do something,  _ Bones.” _

_ “Don’t fucking call me-!” _

_ “Enough!”  _ Spock shouted at the top of his lungs, and they both went deathly quiet. Leonard could feel himself shrinking back, and Jim just froze. Spock didn’t raise his voice often, not with them, not even in a command setting. 

But right now, Spock was getting to his feet, and giving them both The Look. The Look was the glare he gave to young yellowbellies before they went up for the first time, The Look was what he gave to misbehaving soldiers. It was a gaze that put the fear of God into you. And currently, it was focused on the both of them.

“For once,” Spock said, voice still a scary, scary calm, “for _once,_ just for one stupid day, can you two just _not?!”_ And there was the anger again “For _god's sake,_ you two- just- Leonard-”

Spock glared at him, and Leonard flinched. “Leonard. Jim almost  _ died.  _ You two share a lab. If you could be bothered to share the same airspace for more than  _ two minutes  _ without trying to  _ rip each other's throats out,  _ maybe this could have been avoided!”

Jim must’ve looked a little too smug, because Spock rounded on him next. “And  _ you-” _

Leonard didn’t see Spock’s face, but it must have been The Look 2.0 because Jim actually  _ squeaked. _

“Ignoring the fact that I specifically ordered you not to,” Spock said. “Ignoring the fact that performing unapproved experiments on living subjects-  _ including yourself-  _ is  _ illegal,  _ grounds for a court-martial, and enough to get you stripped of your precious Ph.D.-” Jim winced, and for as mad as Leonard was, he felt pity. Threatening a man's doctorate was cruel. 

“Ignoring  _ all of that,”  _ Spock forced out, “you could have  _ died.  _ You almost  _ died!  _ Hell, you could  _ still be dying-”  _ Spock clenched and unclenched a fist, whirling around to pace. “You are extremely smart, and yet you  _ insist  _ on doing impetuous and unintelligent things that typically end up with you  _ hurt-”  _

He turned on them again, and this time Spock had tears in his eyes. Jim looked guilty, Leonard  _ felt  _ guilty.

“You know,” Spock whispered. “That’s what gets me.  _ You know  _ how bad this is. And you still risked it-” He squeezed his eyes shut and brought his hands up to his hair, clenching it like a child reaching his breaking point.  _ “Isn’t bad enough that I’m poisoned?!” _

The final word echoed throughout the room. Leonard’s jaw clenched at the reminder- just another thing he’d broken and couldn't fix. Right up there with his leg and his marriage. It was rare that he up and said it, rare that Spock let them see how bad it was. 

But Spock was a realist. And he was the only one to have accepted the truth. 

Because  _ Leonard  _ had let Khan wrap it’s stupid jaws around their  _ Enterprise _ ’s leg and passed out, because  _ Leonard  _ had left their center open to attack so Khan could knock out Jim, because  _ Leonard  _ had left Spock to pilot their silver lady from the middle of the ocean all the way to the shatterdome…

Because  _ Leonard  _ hadn’t been strong enough, Spock had radiation poisoning. Jim had been grounded, and blamed Leonard, and it had ruined their marriage right when he- right when  _ they  _ had needed it the most. 

Spock sniffed, and Leonard broke away from his thoughts to see Spock wiping his nose. Blood smeared across his cheek. 

“... I’m sorry.” Jim whispered, horrified. “I’m so-”

“And the first thing you two do,” Spock said, the anger gone. He just sounded tired. “The  _ first thing  _ you two do, is  _ fight.” _

“We-” Leonard said, stepping forward “Look, I just- I was worried, that’s all-”

“Don’t.” Spock said, stepping out of Leonard’s reach and turning away, “I can’t- I can’t even look at you two right now.”

Leonard’s heart felt like a stone in his stomach. God,  _ he’d done this. _

Spock’s communicator beeped, and he pulled it out and glanced at it, then sighed. “Great.  _ More  _ fights I have to break up.”

“You gonna be okay?” Jim asked cautiously. Spock scoffed. “That’s another thing- I’m not made of glass. We used to be  _ equals,  _ you know, it was nice.”

He started to walk out, then paused. He finally turned to look at them both, with genuine concern and sadness in his eyes. 

“You both keep saying that you agree on me,” he said softly, “But soon, sooner than we promised when we got married, I won’t be here for you two to agree on.”

And then he walked out, and the door swished shut behind him. 

Leaving two people, who used to mean the entire world to one another, with only the weight of things unsaid between them. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SURPRISE TIME FOLKS!
> 
> This fic will (very soon) be a part of a- DRUM ROLL PLEASE-
> 
> A ENTIRE SERIES!!!! YAAAAAAAYYYY!!!! oh yeah, this baby is gonna have a sequel, one shots, backstories- 
> 
> But ali! the people cry, you already have so many fleshed out universes!
> 
> WORRY NOT DEAR CHILDREN I KNOW WHAT I AM DOING FOR I AM AN EXPERT*!
> 
> (*the above statement is a lie. do not listen to me. I do not have my life together. pls help me i am a hot mesS)
> 
> s e e y a

**Author's Note:**

> PLEASE come check me at on tumblr www.flamingbluepanda.tumblr.com 
> 
> SEE YA


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